parental guidance required

[moon]

well people ask you lot for computor assistance, so why not tap into the acumulated aeons of parenthood on the forum?

N°1 daughter is 8.

She came home from school yesterday & we had a conversation that went like this

N°1: "Papa, my friend ******* 's parents dont live together any more & she told me all about the pet cat that her dad gave her, but she doesn't like him cos he hurts her..."

Me: "she should take it to get it's claws clipped at the vets"

N°1 "what?"

Me: "the cat, she doesn't like it cos it scratches her right?"

N°1" Nooo, it's her dad she doesn't like going to visit..."


me:" ..."

N°1 " he does stuff that she doesn't like."

Me: in my head "AOOOGAH! AOOOGAH! back off! change the subject! dive dive dive!"

I'll spare you the details of how deftly I managed to change the subect...




Talking with wifey later, we decided that we MUST mention this to her teacher. Wifey did so this morning & it appears that they know about the problem & the social services are "in the process" of doing something about it.

meanwhile, back at the moon ranch, we have to decide exactly how to deal with this, we obviously now need to address the subject, tell her that it's not normal or acceptable, that love is a good thing but that boys & girls of her age must wait untill they're older & that grown ups are absolutely NOT allowed to do touchy feely things with children. This much is clear. However, we don't want to jump the gun & tell her stuff she doesn't need to (or shouldn't yet) know. We also don't want to make a big thing out of it & keep going on about it so's that she gets paranoid or scared all the time.

Any opinions, ideas, pointers, references, authorities, large brown anvelopes full of money etc etc gratefully accepted. I'm somewhat out of my depth here. I know that lots of you have already brought up children (mostly successfully...) how did you deal with the "sex" thing?

[BobA]

If I can find one, I'll post you a grenade to drop off at her fathers house.


I wouldn't even know where to start with this one, but at the tender age of 8 I'd say the least amount of detail a brain of that age has to deal with, probably the better.



Hope all goes well.

[Big Daddy]

Moon, you are already doing a great job, because your daughter trusted you to speak to.

There is no ‘how to’ manual in a situation like this.

You like any responsible parent now want to make sure that she is safe and knows what is right and appropriate.

This conversation doesn't have to be difficult, or go to a place where you are uncomfortable. If it does she will realise that and then feel uncomfortable as well.

Start the conversation by telling her she did the right thing by talking to you and that she can always talk to you.

It is then a case of asking her some questions, but make sure you frame them so she knows exactly what you are talking about.

“You know that it’s wrong for anyone to hurt anyone? Whether that’s being mean to them by calling them names, or hitting them?
Ask, “How else can people do bad things?

Discuss what she tells you and let her find her own thoughts.

Then talk about what she could do about it.

If you didn’t like the way someone was treating you, what would you do? If it was at school? In the street? At a friends house?

Although you will be tempted to control the conversation, let her take it where she wants and don’t be put off if it jumps around a bit.

Let her tell you what is appropriate touching and positively re-enforce the good ideas and challenge any that may be wrong.

Don’t be surprised if she seems uninterested, she will talk when she wants to.

Don’t be surprised if you get the withered, “Oh Daddy”

Good Luck

[Sharribee]

Moon what an awful situation to find yourself in and as just mentioned your doing a fabulous job because your daughter is able to talk to you about these things.

You are going to need to sit her down and make sure she knows what is acceptable behaviour and when she should come to you for help, but I suspect that she already knows this as she has told you about her friends situation. She will know from the way you and your wife behave what is normal behaviour, and because of that inappropriate behaviour will likely be something she will recognise.

As for how to deal with the "sex" thing

We have always been very frank with Caitie M, if she's asked questions or made comments I will follow them up honestly and with great medical detail , we had a end of term party when she was 9 and the conversations that were going on shocked me, I'm not going into detail but after listening to them I was fairly sure they knew what was what. so I confronted the 5 little girls (sods) asking them to explain exactly what they meant by this conversation and told them how concerned I was about the fact they felt it to be an acceptable thing to be discussing at a children's tea party. They shut up pretty quickly especially when they realised that there would be no holds barred and they would end up more embarrassed about the conversation than me, and that I'd tell their parents about what we had discussed.

Basically you'll be surprised (and shocked) at what she already knows, but it is important that you are clear that she knows that it is not acceptable behaviour for children of their age and that if she feels uncomfortable with an adults approaches or behaviour towards her or her friends she must speak to someone about it. She needs to know she did the right thing speaking to you, and that in doing so she has greatly helped her friend

[Big Daddy]

Sharribee, was the end of term party a sleepover?

Scary stuff, I still have nightmares, no parent should have to hear those conversations. Ignorance is bliss.

[StumpyFingers]

That is a bit worrying.

[Whealie]

Hell's bells. Seems others have good advice. I'm just thunderstruck.

It's not my area of expertise and not one I imagine most of us ever want to become experts in.

My mother is a bit of an expert (serioulsy, not just because all mothers are - we was a university fellow in childcare) though so I'll ask her if there are books, support groups, sources of advice etc.

[Sharribee]

Sharribee, was the end of term party a sleepover?

Scary stuff, I still have nightmares, no parent should have to hear those conversations. Ignorance is bliss.

It was a garden party

[ukTiffy]

It'll have been all them Birds and Bees that done it then ... not the sweet little treasures

[moon]

thanks for the advice guys...

wel sharrie & big D anyway...

sound advice, ta muchly. We've found a couple of childrens books that bring the subect up very much in the way Big D suggests (starts of by very simple what's allowed & what's not & works through to the nitty gritty) so we're going to have "a conversation" & will give her the books to read afterwards.

I think I may well delegate this job to madame, as I am not renown for my subtlety... & have the constant impression of being on very thin ice over very deep water on certain subjects...