Charity Auction H4H

[PanRider]

The auctioneer dons his favourite pinstriped suit, Oxford brogues, white shirt complete with horrendous looking tie. He kisses his wife good-bye and walks out of the door. With eager steps he makes his way to planet XRVs auction hall. He takes the old & rusty key out off his pocket, unlocking the door; fresh air enters the room for the first time in over 12 months.

Following a year in retirement, the auctioneer could no longer deny the pangs of boredom slowly starting to take over. He looked back to happier times in his life, one memory in particular, kept coming to the front of his mind, somehow or other he had got involved with the inhabitants of planet XRV. Whilst hosting and controlling the gavel during the last XRV charity auction in aid of Make A Wish, he happily watched the proceedings from the comfort of his auctioneers stand. Some of the memories came fondly flooding back… Meatloaf wannabe’s in need of Hanuta and Erdnuss flips, Magical crystals, men in dirty macs spending nights in the cells, the Holy grail, grown men reduced to tears, trips to see the shrink, controversy, women hitching up their skirts, self confessed divs from Bognor, some old slapper of Glam putting in an appearance, flying ladies and men with Haemorrhoids. During all this over £500 was raised. Happy days.

The offer from XRV’s very own crab transporter of two excellent Robert Wicks adventure motorbike-riding books & a Haynes manual to be auctioned for this years charity, was all it took to make his mind up. The first three lots were sorted. Hopefully he would receive a few PMs with a few more auction items / lots

Would planet XRV once again rise to the occasion? not in a viagra sort of way, but in a raising money for this years charity. Help for Heroes a charity close to the auctioneers’ heart, yes it worth it. Lets go for it one more time.

The lights on, the doors open. Waiting for the willing bidders….

In the back office, he checked his tie, took his gavel out of his pocket and nervously makes his way into the auction hall. He makes his way up the auctioneers stand, coughs, and bangs his gavel, to bring the room to order…

“Ladies & Gents, welcome back to planet XRV’s charity auction. It’s good to be back. Lot No. 1 is a copy of Adventure Motorcycling Everything you need to plan and complete the journey of a lifetime. By: Robert Wicks Foreword: Ted Simon RRP of £19.99

Outdoor enthusiasts thinking of trying adventure motorcycling will be inspired, invigorated and informed by this expert manual which covers every aspect of the trip, including practicalities (cost, personal fitness, how long you can be away from home), choosing the right bike, equipment, clothing, legal documentation, riding techniques, maintenance, navigation and emergencies. Whether stranded on a mountainside or dreaming in the armchair, both experienced and would-be adventurers will find this book essential reading.

Many would say that this is the bible of adventure riding, no motorcyclist who is considering going off the tarmac should be without it.

GAVEL…. Ladies at Gents I would like to open the bidding at £10.00 do I hear £10.00 in aid of planet XRV’s chosen charity help for heroes, £10.00 ladies and Gents I’m looking for an opening bid of £10.00.

He looks out and waits for a response……..

[Meesh]

Sitting in the quiet of the evening.... the lights begin to flicker mysteriously as this mystical creature....(half fairy, half butterfly), looks in curiously at XRV land and its latest treasure trove!!

The fairy has left her crystals behind and begun to morph into something else.... butterfly wings beginning to stretch... awaiting the day when she is free to fly....

She knows it may well be beyond her now to actually do that long adventure motorbike trip she always dreamed of.... but if she reads about it..... maybe she can find a way to overcome!!

I bid...... £10.00

[Boris]

Far from home and alone in his hotel room the wizened old Scot with too much time on his hands and too much beer in his belly tips a nod to the auctioneer and gruffly mumbles the princely sum of 14 pounds.

[PanRider]

The auctioneer was really pleased to see things were progressing, within a very short time planet XRV had joined in the fun and some money was guaranteed to make it’s way into the H4H pot.

The mystical although odd-looking fairy, or is it a butterfly, or a mutation of both? started the bidding with £10.00. The ball was rolling.

An inebriated Scot stumbles into the auctioneer hall, as his eye catches lot No 1, his natural instinct of keeping his wallet firmly locked in his pocket fails him, he knows it’s for a great charitable cause, he knew parting with his pennies was against his Scottish nature. The auctioneer was well aware of the unfair reputation the Scots had, last year one of Scotland’s larger countrymen, an Aberdonian in fact, bid £50.00 for a key holder, made up to £64.10 with gift aid tax bonus, proving that Jocks can part with their money if it for the right thing. The auctioneer willed the drunken Jock to do it, go on man bid. It worked a mumbled bid, barely audible to the human ear.

“£14.00, £14.00 I’m bid for this book, essential in every bikers library. £14.00, £14.00 in aid of Help for Heroes. Do I hear £16.00? I’m looking for £16.00. Are we all done at £14.00? Do I hear £16.00?

The auctioneer was again looks out at the ever increasing crowd, his eyes searching for the slightest indication of an increased bid….

[Mervinh]

Ok £16 it will save me posting it

[Sharribee]

The tired old nurse looks up from her mountains of paperwork, wondering how much more there was left to this shift, the waft of poo and wails of Nurse I need the commode eminating from the cubicle, prepares to clean up and thinks fondly of her motorcycle adventures.

In an attempt to reclaim some joy in her life raises her hand and bids 16

[PanRider]

The auctioneer acknowledges the bid, and then does a double take as it dawns on him that the bidder is in fact the seller. “Has the man spent too many hours of his life with crabs?, is he slowly losing his senses?”. Mind you he does tend to walk sideways. Will someone release Crab man from purchasing a book, which is already rightfully his?

£16.00 I’m bid £16.00 from the owner, do I hear £18.00? £18.00 to save the owner from buying something he already owns. £18.00?

[PanRider]

The raised pooh stained hand accompanying the £16.00 bid was moments too late. The auctioneer took this as a £17.00 bid.

£17.00 I’m bid from the kiss’o’gram in the nurse’s uniform.£17.00. Do I hear £18.00?

The smell of pooh slowly wafted through the room as the individual in need of a commode could wait no longer.

[royster]

the rotund gentleman shuffles into the room and stands by the toilets, fingering the catalogue and sipping from his TLD 2009 mug, he is wondering if he should bid on this truely excellent publication?
he starts to raise his hand, then suddenly realises that there are big words, not enough pictures so he stops and looks away sheepishly (ohh err) and waits for the next lot

glad to have the auction back, many a boring day will have a well derserved highlight now, heres to muchas money raising

are there any mugs this year?
Royster

[Mervinh]

it is a nice new book unread still in it wrapping and donated by messr,s haynes Via Dave (Deej) Avery, come on bid it up it is worth more than a measly £17,
or our heros are worth more than £17 i should say
Merv