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whys the rum always gone?
17,680 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Here is someones story about the gym! should bring a smile to your faces! But first of all a cake remedy so you have some weight to lose! and a spare bottle or two of Cuervo to hand

Xmas Cake Recipe

This does not have to be baked at Christmas time. It is good for anytime that you are feeling down and out. It is just a good pick-me-up cake.

CHRISTMAS CAKE - Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs nuts
1 bottle Jose Cuervo
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK.
Try another cup .... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the Jose Cuervo and kick the dog.
CHERRY MISTMAS! Or whatever........................


Dear Diary... For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it at try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be FANTASTIC week!!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.D riving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f***ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich, which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching elevens straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the b1tch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

241 Posts
btw, that reminds me:

A guy from (add your favorite town or ethnic :)) went into Alps for a hollyday. He wrote messages from their remote cabin.

1. day:
They said, its goin' to snow. I cant wait.

2. day:
Its all white. BEAUTIFULL! Real winter fairytale.

3. day:
I was shoveling the snow this morning, to get us out to the nearest village for suplies. We were playing all day in snow, made a giant snowman, etc... In the evening I had to shovel the snow again.

4. day:
Snow everywhere. Beautyfull country.But.. we had to shovel the snow all day.

5. day

btw.: now is here, in my town, 1 meter of that STUPID WHITE SHIT :evil: :evil: :evil:

whys the rum always gone?
17,680 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
:lol: only once then :D
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