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Stone Crazy
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The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just given myself a Brazillian and you know what that means don't you”?

I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!

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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.

If any of you are Paedophiles, you can [email protected] off down to HELL

Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.

“And take this deaf [email protected]@rd with you”.
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My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring the size of my manhood.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves was the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a pub.

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were stunt pilot"

"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

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"You're a MILK," I said to my wife.

"It's MILF, dickhead!" she laughed.

"It's not," I said. "I want to kill you, not xxxx you."

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Just had a Gipsy at the door selling Lucky Heather.

When I refused he tried to sell me Blow Job Brenda..

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Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then.

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is an ageing biker called Tony and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Tony and asks, "Can you top that?"
Tony replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there............"

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I was walking in the woods when I saw a "No Dumping" sign.

So where do they expect the bears to shit then?

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I was checking into my hotel today and the guy in front of me said to the receptionist, ''I hope the porn channel is disabled '' ..... i though christ theres some sick people out there..

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The star of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan Hart, has admitted in her autobiography that she had experimented with lesbianism and hallucinogenics.

It explains a lot really. . . . . . I always wondered why she lived with two 'Aunts' and used to talk to a cat.

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So if the 'white widow' Samantha Lethwaite DID die a martyr in the Nairobi shopping mall attacks, is she now being gang-banged by 72 male muslim virgins?

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Miss World has been won by the contestant from the Thailand .

She was so excited that she could barely conceal her erection.

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Prince William has cancelled a trip to Nairobi due to the shopping centre seige, Kate said whats the point if we cant go shopping
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Last night my mate fell asleep on the couch and got a rude awakening this morning.

I told him breaking into DFS was a bad idea.
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HEALTH MESSAGE:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

I'm retired, go around me!!

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According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes.

Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Huddersfield.

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I can't believe that Irish serial killer the police have just arrested.

He slashed 25 boxes of corn flakes before he got caught!

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Feather cluckers understand a spoonerism

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GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity.

TRAIN COMPANIES. Simply suffix your train times with '-ish' to avoid so many complaints

WOMEN. Save time and money on cinema visits. Despite initial impressions, they do fancy each other and will get together

CIGARETTE makers. Have you considered those scary pics on the packet are bad for business? How about a nice pair of t*ts?

AVOID chips on your windscreen by not leaving your car parked near the kebab shop on a Saturday night.

INTERROGATORS. If you need someone to talk, turn the TV to a programme I want to watch. Works every f**king time in this house

BANK ROBBERS. Next time you're on a 'job' wear a tutu, snorkel & nappy so the people who do the reconstruction look like tw*ts.

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My girlfriend being the romantic sort just sent me a text.....,,,,,,,,,
If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
If you are laughing send me your smile.
If you are eating send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying send me your tears.
I love you x

I replied.......
I am having a shit. What do I do?....

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BBC: Burial space could run out in 20 years
Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying...

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I bumped into Paul Weller the other day. He was saying The Jam's success had taken him completely by surprise.They'd originally started out as a Marmalade tribute band.

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If David Cameron and Nick Clegg where drowning and you could only save one of them , Which pub would you go to ?
T
 
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