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Laguna Conspiracy Theory
The race was fixed.



(Scene: in the Yamaha garage, roughly twenty minutes before the sighting
lap for the MotoGP race. Valentino motions Colin over to the corner of
the garage just out of everyone's earshot)

VALE: Colin, diss eess a beddy important race for Amedica, yes?

COLIN: Fuckin-A, man. I sure hope I can clear off from Nicky so I can
finish second to you, V.

VALE: Dat eess why I call to you to come. I have Beeeg plan for you.
(stretches arms wide) Closer to me. Nobody to hear, OK?

COLIN: (Leans in) What's up?

VALE: I have beddy beeg points from Marco. Maybe sixty-one ahead. I wish
to go cool and give you de race if you can catch Nicky. He eess beddy
fast. You catch, you pass, you win, OK?

COLIN: (Shouts) Shit Fire! You'd do that for me? (slaps thigh)

VALE: Hey! Beddy quiet for plan is good, OK?

COLIN: (whispers) Riiiight, sorry.

VALE: You go catch Nicky. Have good time. MotoGP get big in Amedica from
you. You get famous and rich and buy Texas, Yes?

COLIN: (shouts again) Fuckin-A! Let's go! (Gives Valentino a forearm to
the shoulder. Valentino trips over a pile of shop rags and farts as he
gets up. Colin laughs so hard he shoots a booger out his left nostril.)

VALE: De pasta primavera, eet always make me do dis!

COLIN: (Yells) Hey, everybody! Valentino just shit his leathers!

During the race, Nicky motors away like he's shot from a cannon.
Valentino rides at seven-tenths, and waits for habitual bad starter
Colin to catch up. Colin sails past at eleven-tenths as Valentino mulls
over what to have for dinner and which one of his umbrella girls will
get a pearl necklace before bedtime. Valentino falls 3.5 seconds back as
Colin tries to crawl under the paint in an effort to catch Nicky, who is
doing an admirable job of lighting the afterburners every time the gap
shrinks to under two seconds.

With two laps to go, Valentino gets startled awake by an air horn as he
crests the ridge leading up to the Corkscrew. As he shakes the cobwebs
out and yawns, he sees Colin ahead, too far from Nicky to make a run of
any significance.

VALE: (Thinking) Colin, Colin, Colin, you are a beeg Amedican ****-up.
Now I have to go and make up for your, uh, how do you say....uh,
imcompetence. Mister Yamaha ees at de track! How do you let thees
happen?

The race results are as posted. Valentino, realizing an American one-two
would be good press fodder, closes on Colin just enough to let him know
who the alpha rider still is. Colin arrives at the podium so drenched
with sweat he looks pressurized. Valentino, however, looks like he just
got done watching a movie in his motorhome.

After the hoopla of post-race interviews dies down and the crowd
disperses, the two teammates cross paths as the MotoGP circus folds up
the tents.

COLIN: Hey, man, I want to thank you for that chance. Man, that little
shit Nicky is faster than I thought. I tried, man. About next year, do
you think--.......
 
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