[moon]

well people ask you lot for computor assistance, so why not tap into the acumulated aeons of parenthood on the forum?

N°1 daughter is 8.

She came home from school yesterday & we had a conversation that went like this

N°1: "Papa, my friend ******* 's parents dont live together any more & she told me all about the pet cat that her dad gave her, but she doesn't like him cos he hurts her..."

Me: "she should take it to get it's claws clipped at the vets"

N°1 "what?"

Me: "the cat, she doesn't like it cos it scratches her right?"

N°1" Nooo, it's her dad she doesn't like going to visit..."


me:" ..."

N°1 " he does stuff that she doesn't like."

Me: in my head "AOOOGAH! AOOOGAH! back off! change the subject! dive dive dive!"

I'll spare you the details of how deftly I managed to change the subect...




Talking with wifey later, we decided that we MUST mention this to her teacher. Wifey did so this morning & it appears that they know about the problem & the social services are "in the process" of doing something about it.

meanwhile, back at the moon ranch, we have to decide exactly how to deal with this, we obviously now need to address the subject, tell her that it's not normal or acceptable, that love is a good thing but that boys & girls of her age must wait untill they're older & that grown ups are absolutely NOT allowed to do touchy feely things with children. This much is clear. However, we don't want to jump the gun & tell her stuff she doesn't need to (or shouldn't yet) know. We also don't want to make a big thing out of it & keep going on about it so's that she gets paranoid or scared all the time.

Any opinions, ideas, pointers, references, authorities, large brown anvelopes full of money etc etc gratefully accepted. I'm somewhat out of my depth here. I know that lots of you have already brought up children (mostly successfully...) how did you deal with the "sex" thing?

 

[BobA]

If I can find one, I'll post you a grenade to drop off at her fathers house.


I wouldn't even know where to start with this one, but at the tender age of 8 I'd say the least amount of detail a brain of that age has to deal with, probably the better.



Hope all goes well.

 

[Big Daddy]

Moon, you are already doing a great job, because your daughter trusted you to speak to.

There is no ‘how to’ manual in a situation like this.

You like any responsible parent now want to make sure that she is safe and knows what is right and appropriate.

This conversation doesn't have to be difficult, or go to a place where you are uncomfortable. If it does she will realise that and then feel uncomfortable as well.

Start the conversation by telling her she did the right thing by talking to you and that she can always talk to you.

It is then a case of asking her some questions, but make sure you frame them so she knows exactly what you are talking about.

“You know that it’s wrong for anyone to hurt anyone? Whether that’s being mean to them by calling them names, or hitting them?
Ask, “How else can people do bad things?

Discuss what she tells you and let her find her own thoughts.

Then talk about what she could do about it.

If you didn’t like the way someone was treating you, what would you do? If it was at school? In the street? At a friends house?

Although you will be tempted to control the conversation, let her take it where she wants and don’t be put off if it jumps around a bit.

Let her tell you what is appropriate touching and positively re-enforce the good ideas and challenge any that may be wrong.

Don’t be surprised if she seems uninterested, she will talk when she wants to.

Don’t be surprised if you get the withered, “Oh Daddy”

Good Luck

 

[Sharribee]

Moon what an awful situation to find yourself in and as just mentioned your doing a fabulous job because your daughter is able to talk to you about these things.

You are going to need to sit her down and make sure she knows what is acceptable behaviour and when she should come to you for help, but I suspect that she already knows this as she has told you about her friends situation. She will know from the way you and your wife behave what is normal behaviour, and because of that inappropriate behaviour will likely be something she will recognise.

As for how to deal with the "sex" thing

We have always been very frank with Caitie M, if she's asked questions or made comments I will follow them up honestly and with great medical detail , we had a end of term party when she was 9 and the conversations that were going on shocked me, I'm not going into detail but after listening to them I was fairly sure they knew what was what. so I confronted the 5 little girls (sods) asking them to explain exactly what they meant by this conversation and told them how concerned I was about the fact they felt it to be an acceptable thing to be discussing at a children's tea party. They shut up pretty quickly especially when they realised that there would be no holds barred and they would end up more embarrassed about the conversation than me, and that I'd tell their parents about what we had discussed.

Basically you'll be surprised (and shocked) at what she already knows, but it is important that you are clear that she knows that it is not acceptable behaviour for children of their age and that if she feels uncomfortable with an adults approaches or behaviour towards her or her friends she must speak to someone about it. She needs to know she did the right thing speaking to you, and that in doing so she has greatly helped her friend

 

[Big Daddy]

Sharribee, was the end of term party a sleepover?

Scary stuff, I still have nightmares, no parent should have to hear those conversations. Ignorance is bliss.

 

[StumpyFingers]

That is a bit worrying.

 

[Whealie]

Hell's bells. Seems others have good advice. I'm just thunderstruck.

It's not my area of expertise and not one I imagine most of us ever want to become experts in.

My mother is a bit of an expert (serioulsy, not just because all mothers are - we was a university fellow in childcare) though so I'll ask her if there are books, support groups, sources of advice etc.

 

[Sharribee]

Sharribee, was the end of term party a sleepover?

Scary stuff, I still have nightmares, no parent should have to hear those conversations. Ignorance is bliss.

It was a garden party

 

[ukTiffy]

It'll have been all them Birds and Bees that done it then ... not the sweet little treasures

 

[moon]

thanks for the advice guys...

wel sharrie & big D anyway...:thumbup:

sound advice, ta muchly. We've found a couple of childrens books that bring the subect up very much in the way Big D suggests (starts of by very simple what's allowed & what's not & works through to the nitty gritty) so we're going to have "a conversation" & will give her the books to read afterwards.

I think I may well delegate this job to madame, as I am not renown for my subtlety... & have the constant impression of being on very thin ice over very deep water on certain subjects...

 

[pdsquire]

I've got a case on at the moment where a 14yo girl has been sexually abused by at least four of her mother's partners since she was about 4. She's survived, but without much idea of how to show affection to males other than to offer her body. Her legal guardian and I have had a stand up row with the supervising social worker who is squeamish about telling her how about contraception: we want her to be continually told about the opportunities ahead for her and how to keep safe.

That extreme example illustrates the two sides of this problem. On the one hand there is an emotional wish to preserve an idea of an unpolluted childhood. On the other hand is a purely practical approach to ensure that the child looks after herself when no-one else is around to watch. To my mind, the former is desirable but the latter is essential.

Once the genie is out of the bottle, Moon, as it is by your daughter being forced to think about stuff you might have preferred her not to there is no point trying to pretend that she remains in a state of ignorance. (And as others have said, she may not have been entirely ignorant anyway.)

You need to tell her that a) people do not always behave as they should; b) almost most people behave well almost all of the time so there is no need to be scared; c) her body is her own and she should not allow anyone to touch her or tell her what to do with it unless she would be happy to tell you about it; d) she must always tell you or a teacher if she is uncomfortable about how someone, particularly an older child or adult, talks to her or acts around her.

You don't have to go into the nitty-gritty at her age, but those four points will enable her to know what to do if a confusing or difficult situation arises and should keep you alert to how her life is developing and when the conversation needs to become a bit more specific.

All in all though, it's brilliant that her instinct was to talk to you. You must be very good parents. A heavy or over-complicated response might hinder communication, but good, practical, general guidance should do the trick. :thumbright:

 

[Sharribee]

Excellent post Phillip, I'm going to use some of that for Caitie

 

[Whealie]

From my mother:

Contacting the NSPCC Helpline tel:. 0808 800 5000

These people took over Childline and have done some very good work. They can also put someone in touch with relevant professionals who can help.

The girl

If you are really sure that child abuse is going on then I would always recommend going to the police. Not just because of the legal side of things but because in the UK they have really good trained staff to help the child.

It might be that you too should contact social services to tell them your daughter’s story

It is not clear whether the girl’s mother knows about this – she should so she can stop the visits. She may also be under suspicion if she has suspected this and done nothing about it.

Your daughter

You need to talk to your daughter, sooner rather than later.

Yes, tell her about love and the other things you mention but also tell her that no-one should touch anyone in a way that they do not like.

She’ll be using the internet alone soon so she needs to know the dangers of that too.

NSPCC should have some useful material on how to manage all of this.

She has also offered to speak to you if you'd rather have someone independent and outside the loop to sound off. Contact me for her number.

Hope this helps

 

[Recycler]

N°1" Nooo, it's her dad she doesn't like going to visit..."


me:" ..."

N°1 " he does stuff that she doesn't like."

Call the Gendarmerie re her friend, no question.
Failing that call the P.A.F. - French border Police, bit far from you but they certainly don't f**k around. He needs a shock NOW.

Or I charge a crate of Stella for a hit.....

The best thing is your daughter told daddy, shows she had a sense of what's wrong and came to you.

 

[moon]

apparently, having spoken to the teacher & headmistress, the social services have been made aware & there are things "in hand".

thanks for the advice, it's appreciated.