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Here's some tips from one of the blokes at work that I know. He should write a book as he keeps coming out with them and they're soooo funny.

1. When in the safety of your own home, top your helmet up with fairy liquid, attach a straw to a can of Stella or Blackthorn and jump up and down a bit. Turn the stereo or MTV up loud and hey presto - your own private Foam Party. For that extra effect, whilst drinking through the straw blink quickly and you'll get a fabulous strobe effect!

2. I suggest for the environmentally aware of you all ,that the Tov's Top Tip would be to install a Bonsai Tree onto the tank of you chosen mode of transport - obviously the more foliage on the tree the more it will help with the reduction of carbon monoxide etc. Not only would this help your breathing, but if every bike installed such a tree then it would help in some way compensate for the destruction of the rain forests in the world. PTW groups around the country would visit the children of inner cities to show them what real trees looks like. No longer would they have to look at them in books or on the TV. Bikers would be doing their bit for charity.

3. Rather than waste money on expensive carbon masks, with a handkerchief of your choice either get hold of a lump of charcoal, or raid last summers b-b-q. Fold the hanky in half (triangle) and place the charcoal in-between the fabric. Please note, the charcoal must be crushed or else you have trouble fitting three lumps of the black stuff behind your visor. Sellotape the edges together of the fabric together. Voila! Attach it inside you favourite helmet( or for the more rugged, bandit style look tie the ends behind your head so you've got the 'masked bandit' look) and you can breath again. It may be worth while carrying a few wet wipes and a can of deodorant around as well because should you have gone for the b-b-q option you may well end up smelling like an old burger or last summers kebab once you take the gear off, or if the mask gets wet, unless of course you're a bloke the Desperate Dan designer stubble look may not go down to well.

4. Tov's Tip: Hire my mother-law to patrol the area. I'd be scared to go anywhere near the bike park! Or, perhaps some kind of alarm system which broadcasts not an audible alarm, but a recording of my wife (or any woman) giving birth. Personally I've never heard such language and the demon which possessed her during this wonderful life giving experience would put the fear of God into anyone who dared touched or illegally entered the bike park.

5. When riding home look for any signs of road kill along the highway. If you're lucky, amongst the debris you may find an unfortunate victim - a rabbit. But don't be alarmed, but with some sticky-back plastic and a small pen knife simply remove the ears from the carcass and place them upon the sides of your crash helmet. If you're really lucky you can snap off one of the creatures legs and use it not only as a lucky charm (although it wasn't that lucky for the rabbit and he had 4 of them!), but add it to your key ring. It will set those ears off a treat when walking to and from your machine. And there you have it. The dogs of Bristol are safe, and you have a lovely matching pair of crash helmet ears and key ring accessory.

Respect to Mark Tovey for these top tips........
 

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A N Other

If your AT gearbox starts to make a odd sort of noise at the begining of the year,

SELL IT
 

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Generalissimo Tea Boy
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6,027 Posts
Wet weather cornering

For total safety whilst cornering in the wet, stop the engine, get off and wheel it around the corner. Restart the engine, remount and carry on.
This is almost foolproof but quite time consuming in the twisties. Therefore you should allow extra time for your journey.

Motor
 
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